I am

i knew the time would come,, ive never thought about it..but its come, today was the day i passed up the last assignment on the last day of classes at HELP..day went well ,, with a pig out session in bangsarvillage with villa.. btw then when i went back,,and took a breather,, i realized it all. its been 4 years,, in d place i used to love to hate.. complaining bout every detail of the place,, bout how they sucked a whole lotta money outta us,, how d place was not as nice as others.. and the list goes on and on. but now as i think, i would give anything to rewind back to the first day in college, i want to do it right,, do better,, make better frends,, join societies,, basically make the most out of it,, but i know i know, live in the present not the past nor the future.. its a bad habit, i reminisce too much, its bad,, but i cant help it,, memories of the past are so so sweet, so fuss free, conflict-less..etc

but now,, temporarily i will lose my student status and start looking for ways to enter the life of the working adult..until i start postgrad that is,,

im worried for the unknown,, for wats to happen,, right now all i can do.. is live it day by day..follow the flow and plan my next step.. most carefully..

neways,, tats all for now,, jus had a nagging thot,,

*ends*

Been a while since i posted an entry.. hmm lots  happened since,, lifes good.. enjoying the days i have left as a student,, 3 weeks more till the end, with the end comes many changes, there is anticipation for the good and bad, excitement of the coming and the fear of the unknown; grown as a person, maturing, and realizing the important things in life,, and a restructuring of priorities.

some of the changes im not looking forward to. the leaving of a very good friend; goin away to the land of uncle sam. i dont know when she’ll be back. the countdown begins till the time we go to the concrete monster we call KLIA; a  brigde to many new dreams and aspirations, a place where painful goodbyes are said, a place where many heartfelt moments are shared. im not lookin forward for tonight for sure. ( u know who u are. i relli am gonna miss u)…

with all the start of these winds of change. its a sign of new growth and wonderful things ahead. but someone told me recently: unless you jump from that old tree to a new one, you can never move on, if you are still hanging onto that thin branch of the old dying tree, the winds of change will never get to you, you will never move. stagnant you will be.. hmm profound things for me to think about. time for me to jump from the already dead tree to the many new ones ahead of me, i just have to choose which… making the choice will be better than being stagnant..

another thing. im wondering if anyone is as bothered as i am about being average. i am feeling this strange sense of unfullfillment. like i have not done much. i have done what most can do but not more. seeing and hearing of many outstanding achievements of many, has stirred feelings of inadequacy,something to work on for now,

oh well.. anyways,, u who are goin so far away .. pls take care and always stay true to yourself..i know you will hon’..:)

* ends*

on this road to nowhere,

going along without a destination,

lost in the midst of a crowd,

full yet hollow,

looking at it half empty,

even if surroundings mean so much

even with potential happiness, no action taken,

taken to gain the potential positivity,

still confined in the midst of a forest,

going deeper into the depths of dark greenery,

no one to comprehend,

no one to understand its complexity,

no one but the One alone…

hmm, i had no title for the blog entry today, coz im sitting here, in HELPs, LS 4, using the lame computers here, regretting that i did not bring my laptop, so at least i could listen to music. browsing thru sites for my graphic design paper, feeling irritated coz im not sure wat to do. stressing coz i have things to complete by tonite. alone… waiting.. hehe its 3pm.. gonna meet a fren at 4.. fella makin me wait..haihs… the things i do…lolz…

i have reached the peak of boredom, now.. but in a certain way, a little glad that for now my life is back to its usual speed..conflict n fuss free.yesterday was excellent. visited liva in d afternoon, woman made me wait for her to settle her internship details.. i waited n waited,, n while waiting.  observed d college,man,, its a gorgeous place,, compared to mine.. saw many good old frens,, was real happy, had to tell many ppl why i stopped comin for class..lolz,im regretting now,, wudda been soo much fun, wiht liva, jay, reena, basically the old HELPies. haihs,, too late now i guess..

nite was great,skipped my nite classes to go out with d gurlies.. pigged out, ranted bout our lives..(actually i was d only only one ranting..hehe thx babes for listening) hmm..

my mind is back here,, im here, cooped up in dis bomb like shelter dey call an educational institution. (university.. konon..)..its freakin cold, my fingers are numb.think im gonna stop soon..hehe..gonna go back to doin my assignment.

*ends*

hmm. wat can i say. today was truly a day which i thought will go as usual. usual as in boring, uneventful and fuss free.

but damn was i wrong. today i come to college feeling demotivated, dressed in a ratty tshirt n dark jeans n tried to dress it up a bit by wearing the ubiquitous scarf i always use..hehe. n guess what i see all the old HELPies back. yay!. darlin old kat J.. hottie kat A.. gorgeous Sam, alison hon’ and the one i see often dimple sweets all together. it was great to see finally some familiar faces at HELP. had a great time watchin al blow candles off her apple crumble slice courtesy of katy. and hehe ..sam making her ’speech’:).. i felt a sudden sense of warmth n belonging… after a while of being a little outta sync with my mates at colege n d ones outside. was having so much entertaining jokes, sarcasm from the ever-"evil" sam n al, whose trademarks are their excellent sarcastic comments.

darn i had to practicaly drag myself to feature writing..hehe. i came back to join the fun after sneakin outta class with a sudden so called ‘emergency-phone-call’

was so great to take pictures and goof around with kats camera, watchin funny videos of past outings and parties and oh yes, filming kats donkey n ostrich dance,,hehe..

all in all i realised tat i have a support system n a good n strong one at that. though its sad that some are goin far away n it may be long till i see them again:(

summed up, today was a blast, all from the camera goofing, to the great talks and finally the journey back to TTDI n KJ..:) Im looking forward to the ghost hse hunting and d Qba nite out.. soon,,hehe..n oh yea,, d genting trip. but i doubt it since all we do is plan n plan.. n tats about it,, haha.

neways back to james assignment work..arghh:(

i cant believe that i have succumbed to the pressures of blogging. something in me just snapped..no no im not going crazy, i jus needed a venting place for the overwhelming thoughts im having these past few weeks. for now all im going to say is,, i shall not trust to easily again.. i shall learn how to be more aware of myself and others. being away from the harsh realities of the world for so long n now im thrown back into the raging sea that is life itself had caused me to almost drown. i admit mistakes i made albeit small.. ADDED FUEL TO FIRE till it got out of hand. due to people whom i thought i could trust. why? am i not human? that i am judged from small mistakes made, a friend will not judge but forgive. unfortunately being judged so badly that all i want to do now is go away from here. live away from the people i know. go back in complete isolation so that no one will be able to find me. why i say go back to isolation u say? because i was in that state and seriously speaking life was much more uncomplicated and fuss free, people are becoming a poison. dont get me wrong, i have great people around me who care,  ones who have been with me through it all. i dont need  the ones who have hurt me but im the kind of person who tries to hard to please the world and thus the situation i am in is because of this fact alone. a snowball effect… thus lessons learnt,, im no longer going to be nice , or care too much about what people say or think about me. so whomever who thinks im like this and like that.ive got news i dont care, I DONT  CARE!. believe me its hard for me to say all this. but i guess i have to. i have a great life, great friends, great family, a bright future,, i dont need anyone who thinks i need them to be happy. im happier now, i wasted time with unappreciativeness, and being used. ive learnt my lessons, a very hard and bitter way. but now im back on track and no one can get in my way again…

i guess thats all for now,, a new entry will be in whenever i think i need to vent again.ermm did i sound too bitter.hehe ,, couldnt help it.:)

CIAOZZ